#64: We Were Functioning Alcoholics… Until This Happened

We thought blackout drinking was normal.
We thought “just one drink” was harmless.
We thought partying was part of success.

It almost destroyed us.

In this brutally honest episode of Mocktails or Messy, Bernie Zilio Senior Report of Page Six opens up about sobriety, LA party culture, postpartum depression, prior TMZ employment stories, cocaine culture, toxic relationships, blackouts, anxiety, and the moment everything finally changed.

From skinny spicy margaritas to getting arrested, from entertainment industry pressure to waking up hungover wondering what happened the night before… this is the conversation people are too scared to have publicly.

If you’ve ever:

•  questioned your relationship with alcohol 
•  felt trapped in party culture 
•  used drinking to cope with anxiety 
•  wondered if sobriety could actually make your life better 

…this episode is for you.

This isn’t preachy recovery content.
 This is the real, messy truth behind addiction, moderation, and starting over.

Welcome to Mocktails or Messy.

#Sobriety #SoberCurious #MocktailsOrMessy #TMZ #PageSix #AddictionRecovery #SoberLife #AlcoholFree #MentalHealth #Podcast #RecoveryJourney #Millennials #SelfGrowth #Healing #EntertainmentNews

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Transcript

Connection Through Mocktails And TMZ

0:05

Bernie. Hi, Ryan. You look so good. Oh my God, thank you. So do you. What's this say on your necklace? Oh, it says Lorenzo. It's my son's name. Oh my God, how cute. Well, and I think what connected us, the important part is really about, the mocktails. Yeah. For sure. And I think living in LA, you know how much of a party it is. And you were in New York too? No, I actually wasn't Okay but I understand why you'd think that, Page Six- in New York. Yes but no, I'm a Miami native. went to the University of Florida, and then immediately after college moved to LA. Yes, because you knew that you wanted to be, like, involved with, entertainment news? Yeah. Entertainment news, celebrity news. immediately moved to LA and worked at TMZ. Yes. That was my first place of, or my first experience in the industry. and it was good. it was very informative. It was, I learned a lot. Yes. I made amazing connections. And, there's good and bad anywhere you work. so I'm choosing to take with me the good, which included a husband. So here we are. I love the seeing you guys on TMZ years and years ago, and I used to watch it all the time because it was just, always running on, when you had cable and it was just, always there- always on and it was interesting. Yeah but then I remember seeing you, and you look so different. I, yeah. I was- I was younger. I was puffier for a variety of reasons. you look so young and, I don't even know now, knowing what I know, because I kinda understand I was puffy when I was partying. Yeah. And so it was just like, that was like... Because I think we're bor- both born in the '90s, correct? Yes, '92. Okay, so you're younger. I'm '90. And it was just like we went to party schools or we w- you know, we went to, these cities that, it was life was the party. And then you- wake up the next day and you're like, "I wanna work my way up in my career." But I think I was always, getting two steps ahead and then, one step backwards because I was just, living for the weekend and living for the, just that lifestyle. Totally. Totally. And I, yeah, and it was just, it's not a sustainable way to live. You know what I'm saying? No. Never. And I envy in a way that I'm not jealous of people who can, have a cocktail at dinner. I almost, st- I watch them and I study them, and I'm like, wow. To be in a different body with a different brain, to be able to have one cocktail- Yeah at dinner and go about your life. and that just was never in the cards for me, but it took me a very long time

First Drink First Blackout

2:50

to accept that was never in the cards for me. Yeah. Did you have an aha moment in your, was it 20s or early 30s? So not... Yes and no. I didn't ha- Yeah I had, this is embarrassing, I've had several rock bottom moments Me too which is I think this idea of, somebody hits a rock bottom and they go, "Oh, shit, my life..." Sorry, can I curse? Okay, great. We encourage you to curse. Perfect. My people. I think there's this idea that you have a rock bottom moment, and you have a wake-up call, and for some people, I think that's the case. But I'm learning, for the majority of people, there are numerous rock bottoms. It's like, how low can we go? I never drank in high school, never experimented. I grew up in a very, strict, loving but strict household, right? I was... It was a Catholic, Cuban, conservative household, right? The three C. Yeah. So when I went away to college, it was, like, an entirely new world, and I went to the University of Florida, major party school. Yes. I was away at school. Started, my very first drink was the day I got to UF, and I blacked out. And you were, like, 19, right? I was- Or 18 18. Yeah. And had numerous rock bottom moments in college. it wasn't pretty. There was... And I don't wanna make light of it. I've definitely healed and moved on, but there were instances of, unwanted sexual activity. And I'm not blaming myself, but alcohol was involved, and I think if I had been in my right mind, maybe I could have prevented things. I ended up in the hospital twice because I was found passed out on the side of the fucking road. I know. Like- And it's I'm not laughing at you. It's just insane I'm laughing because I can relate. The fact that nothing, I don't know. My guardian angel deserves a raise because- I don't understand why nothing worse happened. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And then you look at your peers, and, your friends are all partying with you, but, they're not ending up in the hospital. They're not. Like, why? Like, why do we have this allergic reaction, or why do we... Look, I think, too, you could be, like, the same as me when it comes to this. I just like to guzzle and chug, and I just don't know why. But then I see other people, and I'm like, "Why are they sipping? I wish I could be a sipper." No, let... Because are you an intense person? Yeah. Yeah. Same. Are you a Scorpio? we go hard, unfortunately. Oh my God, we connect. Duh. I reach out- That's right to you. I'm like, "Okay, Scorpio energy, entertainment news, sober." Yeah. what else do we have in common besides, maybe the passing out and, me and New York? and it was just, so sad that I, had to go through that. But then you're also like, it was what kind of brought us here, which is a blessing. Totally. I totally agree. And I will say, I think I went through bouts and instances of not drinking. I could, not. Because I think my biggest issue, and I don't know if you're the same, but moderation is the hardest thing- Yes for me to master. With regard to everything in my life. I go very hard. I'm super passionate. I think it serves me in a lot of ways. I'm a very committed employee. I'm, like, I hope I'm a good wife. I hope I'm a good mom. I'm very committed to all of these things. So if you tell me we're going out on Friday night- say less. Yeah. and, I would have... and everyone grows

Motherhood And The Final Blackout

6:25

up, and I noticed everyone was maturing, and I wasn't. And I was like, "Oh, shit." So then I have a kid, and I remember I was six months... And postpartum, by the way, was horrible for me. I just had a really hard time postpartum. I was battling postpartum depression and anxiety. I had, I'm, used to anxiety and depression in a way. I think a lot of, us millennials, but just in general, it's a very common, typical experience to be an adult and have anxiety and depression. But this was on another level, and I was still trying to balance moderately drinking. I loved the mommy juice culture. I wanted some wine after a long night. And I remember my son was about six months old, and I had just... It wasn't even anything chaotic, but I blacked out and- went to sleep and woke up the next day, and I was like, "I can't do this anymore." this is- Yeah. First of all, trying to parent hungover, trying to parent a baby or toddler hungover, there's no hell like that. It is the worst idea- Yeah and concept, and it's... I don't recommend it. And some people are able to do it, and honestly, my hat's off to you. But for me, that was more... It was a, I don't wanna say subtle, 'cause it's not subtle, but the idea of, And mind you, my husband was there. I wasn't, the only person taking care of this baby and, drinking and passing out. We were on a getaway. I had a little too much fun. It wasn't that big a deal on paper. But something inside me was like, "Is this really how you wanna be a parent? Is this how you wanna be a wife and a partner?" I was like, "This is just not worth it." I'm like... I remember, what was I, 31, 32? I'm, I'll be two years sober in September. Oh my God. And it feels... I stress out with counting days and counting dates and all that. Yes. I think for some people it keeps them, accountable and on the trajectory, and it doesn't work for me. I think I get too obsessive, so I just put it out of sight, out of mind. I take alcohol off the table, and I just live my life. And I- I'm so grateful to be here in this space because I think I have tried sobriety in the past, and it's been for other people. It's been, I don't wanna say mandated, but I do remember in college- my parents, they did their very best with me. I was not the easiest child, adolescent, teenager to raise and parent and guide. And I remember in college, they were like, "If you don't stop drinking, we're pulling you out of school." This was my senior year, after two times ending up in the hospital. And I agreed, no problem. I was sober the rest of the year. and then moved to LA right after. And I'm pretty sure my mom was, like, praying to God that I wouldn't just die out there. Yeah. It's easy to do. And thank God I didn't. But LA. LA. you were in New York, right? I was in, both. And I- Oh think I thought LA was gonna be easier to kinda get sober. Like you, there were moments where I was like, "I'm gonna be done with it. I'm gonna do six months off," because I blacked out, and a friend had to take me home. And I was just, getting to a point where I'm like, "Oh, it's just I don't eat enough." And it's just Or, "I need to just moderate," or, "Oh, I need to not do liquor." So there was always these excuses because I didn't know how to function in society without happy hour or without your friends who were, like, drinking. So then you start to get, under this, spell of "I'm connecting with Bernie. I'm connecting with these other people that..." It's like all of us are coming out of the woodwork, and we're talking about sobriety because it used to be like, "You don't wanna talk about that because we can't hire you. You are, like, you have something pr- you have a problem with you." Totally. I completely- But everybody struggles with it in some way, shape or form. I just had, somebody over the other night, and they had a whole bottle of wine to themselves. And I was looking at them as I don't wanna be judgey, but I could tell, like, when we're all... my boyfriend's recently sober now. I didn't want that to happen. I didn't expect that. I was like, "I want you to be yourself. I want you to, like..." But I think he just is getting older. He's 40, so he's feeling better. Yeah. he didn't really have the same things that me and you struggled with. But he's also "Oh, wow, this is actually, a better way." Maybe it's a little bit boring, but it's also like- you feel so much more productive during the weekends. Absolutely. And I'm in a place in my life where I welcome boring Yes Like I have enough- Especially being a mom exciting stories. I have enough exciting stories to write a whole

Taking Alcohol Off The Table

11:10

book about all the people I knew in my 20s. Can you do that? I wanna hear this book, this audio book. Oh my God, it would be intense. Yes. But yeah, I'm like... And that's not to say that you can't be, like, in your mid-20s and choose not to drink, which by the way, it is so cool to see this, next generation of- Yeah 20-somethings choosing not to drink. Because, simply because it doesn't serve them, and they're like, "No, because then I can't make it to Pilates the next day." And I'm like, me in my 20s could never. But I appreciate and applaud you. Yes. that's so cool to me. I know, and they're, like, so much more, I don't know, th- I guess we're, we weren't as educated because marketing alcohol is such a massive industry. Yeah. And we didn't have that luxury of, knowing and, really having people open up about it. Because I think about it and I'm like, oh my God, I remember I would drink tequila from the bottle, and now it makes me feel like my throat is burning, like poison. Yeah, and it really, even if you can drink, alcohol is poison. It's really- It is even if you enjoy it and what, it's just not good for you, even if you can tolerate it. Yes. So cutting it out of your life is just beneficial in every way, shape, and form. But that's not even... I'm not even like you. I'm not coming from a place of judgment. You have your drinks, have your wine, have your beer. I'm actually... and it's cool to me that you were able to have somebody over at your house who drank a whole bottle of wine, and you were okay to be around it, and I'm at a place where I'm also okay to be around it. Is that a progression, or has that always been, like, a thing- for you, that you can handle that? I think because this bout of sobriety that I am currently on was so personal and such an active choice by me that I don't feel tempted being around people who drink. I definitely look at them from a space of observation, and I would never cross a line, but I can also feel like because of my experience, I can spot people who are maybe not drinking for the right reasons. Yeah. Maybe drinking a little too much, maybe getting a little out of hand. There's just signs, you know what I'm saying? Yes. You can pick up on it. and on th- I've never said anything. I'm good with my little non-alcoholic beer. me too. And I'm good to have a good time. And I think just knowing I'm gonna wake up tomorrow And feel good. And if I don't feel good, it's 'cause I'm tired and old, not because I'm hungover. Exactly. That's what I mean. Yes. Not because you're a bore, or what was that? Oh, not because I'm, not because I'm tire- or not because I'm hungover, but because I'm tired and old. Yeah, exactly. And I feel you. I'm kinda like, I am feeling like all the feels, and I used to just, as somebody who's maybe been in the closet or maybe somebody who is, struggling with, trying to be an actor and I'm, like, not making it, and I'm, like, numbing it because I don't wanna believe. It's like the secret, like the law of attraction. You have to believe that it's going to happen. And then I would numb it when I wouldn't get the job or when I wouldn't, book this, or when I didn't interview well and I di- You know, so it was just like that was my defense mechanism. And now knowing, two years sober, I'm, like, two and a half I guess roughly. Oh, cool. And just, right there with you, six months ahead of it. And it's interesting to meet people like you that are on a similar timeline where we start to have these, aha moments and epiphanies. And I'm sure you more than me because you have children and it's like I can't even imagine, being hungover and having to drive them to practice or be... because when we were hungover as, in our 20s, we could just, like- Oh have, a down day. Oh. It was... And even then you felt horrible, but you were in- Yes got to be in bed. You got to Postmate all the trash food. Yeah. Get some Gatorade in your system. Yeah. Take some, Tylenol or whatever and just try to, get rid of the hangover. Yes. There's really no option to do that when you have a kid. I know. And my kid is two, so he is- active. And it's just not, it's not fun. Yeah. And I think, being in the entertainment space- which you are as well, it's very prevalent. but you also realize, I could fuck all this up if I continue on this trajectory. Is your husband drinking? Is my husband what? Does he drink? So he's not sober, but- Yeah he gets migraines, very quickly, very easily. He's always battled migraines since he was a kid. So he'll have one drink and he'll have a migraine. So he chooses not to drink typically. And it's, it's really helpful being with a partner who's not a partier because I, there are- Yeah couples that I know who, like both of them can drink like tanks, and they love going out- Oh, yeah and they love raging, and good for you guys. that's awesome. I'm- I'm very grateful that I'm not in the position where my husband is in that space, and then I'm over here becoming someone else, 'cause I can also see how that can make you grow apart from somebody. Yeah. If you're choosing a different, a very different lifestyle from like the lifestyle that like your partner is used to having, and- I'm not imposing my life choices on anybody, So it's very helpful that he's on this journey with me in a way, not even trying to be, but he's so supportive and- Yes that's also, you- people can only take so much, so like he's never said that to me, but I know the disappointment that he would feel the days that he would have to take care of me or the days where I'd go to brunch with the girls- and we had plans li- later that night, he and I, and then I can't make those plans. And I just, the sadness and the disappointment like kills me to this day, and it's like you can't carry guilt with you forever, but those moments help to keep you on the straight and narrow, Yeah, and I think even me when I was trying to do it so many times, I was with the wrong partner, not that they were bad. They just were party animals, and that's who my friends were. Like, I felt like I was surrounded by like boozy brunchers and trust fund kids that didn't have to work and like maybe just like the party animal culture that like we met at bars, so it's like we're very social and that's how we socialize. So it was like so much fun in the moment, but then when I get arrested because I was sober for five months and then celebrate that this, I got this pilot, and it's okay, so I guess I could have a couple. And it was like you're with a partner that should've been like, no, no, you've been so good. Why would you start it back up?" But then they're partying, and it's like you miss that, and then you mix like an edible with skinny spicy margaritas when you haven't had anything. Oh, that was- S- Oh, that was my favorite. I know. I love skinny spicy margaritas, extra spicy Yeah, same. Extra spicy Yes, that was my drink. That's a Scorpio thing. Yeah, because we're not spicy enough. Give us the skinny extra spicy margarita. Yeah, that was mine. I know. And it just... It's like it got to the point where I was, like, successful enough or schmoozing enough that I could, hold a job and, charm the right person to, I don't wanna say pay my bills, but, it was... when you're in a relationship and somebody is taking care of you, and then you can kinda be a mess. Yeah. And you're right, I disappointed them because I would be hungover. I wouldn't be able to show up or whatever. But th- like when you're in a... When you're single and you're doing that,

Weed Eating Disorders And Coke

19:25

you kinda have to be responsible for yourself. Totally, and that's scary. Yeah. It's- Oh, yeah and I think, I don't know about you, but I think for me it wasn't just alcohol. I- Mine was pot. I didn't smoke pot ever in college or high school, and then whenever I moved to LA it was like- my trainer that I was like... He's "You should just do the pot. you can have the munchies. we're working out so hard, but the alcohol for you does not respond well. you're not shredding enough." Oh, my God. And I remember thinking to myself, I don't really like pot because it makes me sleepy," but then everybody's "Try sativa." And then of course our addictive personalities- Ah. You're like, "Say less. Let's go." Yeah. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. That's so interesting. Yeah, there's definitely the component of, the physical... 'Cause yes, weed doesn't make you gain weight on its own. Obviously, you might get the munchies and then you start- Yes eating. But yeah, the puffiness that we were talking about earlier, like I look back at photos of, my core partying days, I'm just like, my God. I was... And I will say I, since I was young, I've always struggled with eating disorders. And ag- again, because it's a very... I'm a very all or nothing person. Yeah. So I've I've experienced the whole spectrum of eating disorders at this point, and it kinda went hand-in-hand. So there are moments or days where I actually wouldn't eat anything at all because I wanted to look and feel skinny to go out at night, and then I get trashed at night obviously. Yes. And then in my blackout stupor I end up binging because I hadn't eaten all day and I'm drunk. Yeah. And then you wake up and you hate yourself 'cause you feel gross, and you feel- hungover, and where's my credit card, and who did I text? And why is my phone broken? Or lost in the Uber, It's like- You- And then thank God we didn't get behind the wheel because- I know so many people, like I remember living in LA and being like, "Oh my God, everybody I know has like a DUI." And I'm like, "I am only Ubering." Like at least- Yeah you can re- identify that. 100%. I think I always knew that I never trusted myself, which I guess served me, but I was like, "I'm not dri- Like any time there was an event, even if the idea of drinking wasn't on the table, in the back of my head it was, so I'm like, "I'm not driving." Yes. I'll Uber. Yeah. and I will say, I, we are very blessed to have, to be in 2026 and have the opportunities and options available to us that Ubers and Lyfts are just two seconds away. Because I know that back then, even like when we were in college, that really wasn't a thing. Like we had a designated driver for the night or we were like partying close enough to where we lived that we could walk, which like wh- why would a young college girl walking at midnight by herself in Gainesville, Florida be a good idea? I don't know. But there were options. Yes. So definitely grateful for that. do you think there's this part of you that's "Okay, maybe I could have a drink one day"? No. No. You know yourself. I have fully- Accepted it I have a lot of flaws and there are definitely things that I maybe haven't accepted about myself, like my caffeine intake, which I told my therapist we're gonna table because I'm not ready to talk about that yet. But yeah. Like- Listen, we're getting rid of- Just switch it a lot of vices here. Yes. Caffeine is still on the table. But when it comes to alcohol, like I, I can't drink. I am not, my brain is not wired to be able to have one or two beverages. And maybe I can, but the spiral that's happening mentally about I want another one and I'm actively choosing to not have another one, and that push and pull and that like mental warfare, I'm like, "Nope, no one else..." You look around and you're like, "There's no chance in hell anyone in this room is going through the mental warfare that I'm experiencing right now." Or like the countdown until, let's say we know we're hav- having happy hour on like Thursday and it's Monday. Like the calculations and the excitement and the... I'm like, "This is taking up so much valuable space." So we are taking it off the table. In taking alcohol off the table, everything else was taken off the table and it's nice. I wish that my other vice was weed. It wasn't. I didn't like feeling- stupid and hungry, to be honest- how it affected me. and I unfortunately, fell into the pattern of using cocaine- Yeah when I drank, and that- Which is so common, and people- It is just don't wanna talk about it. I don't know if it's because maybe it's stigmatized. it's illegal, but- it's totally illegal So I get that. but it's readily available, and everyone at every bar and every club has it on them, if not more intense substances. And it's super expensive, not to mention how dangerous it is these days- Fentanyl with all of the things it's cut with. it's just, it's really nice to be able to be present and focused. And if I have a bad day- And successful yeah. And you, and bad days happen, and all of your feelings are still there, and it's damn, I have to actually feel all of these things. And if I'm having a bad day, it's not because I'm spiraling that I drank heavily the night before, and it's not I'm spiraling because I like spent a ton of money on coke. It's- I'm spiraling because, I don't know, my toddler threw a tantrum, and like work was really

Celebrity Sobriety And Changing Stigma

25:15

demanding. And those are very... I'm grateful to have bad days regarding those things. Yeah. it's a, I'm definitely in a space of gratitude. And I think, I do work in the entertainment industry, and I think seeing celebrities specifically speak out about their sobriety journeys has been, for me specifically, maybe not for everyone else, but it's been very impactful for me. I spend all day long dealing with celebrities, maybe not directly, but I'm like writing articles about them, interviewing them- meeting up with them at events or, you know- Yeah press junkets or things like that. And so to see people that are in my realm- somewhat on a daily basis, who have these platforms with the whole world, talk about being vulnerable. Yeah. The whole world is gonna know your story and hear your story, and now you're under a microscope. 'Cause if you say, "I'm sober," but then somebody at some bar sees you drinking, it's not a personal story anymore. So even honestly talking to you, my friends, my family, they know vaguely my journey, and I think they've all seen me struggle. I've never had a formal intervention. I'm sure it was discussed behind my back. but it's scary to put yourself out there and put your story out there, but I think it's really important because I think it changes the stigma, like you were saying. And- It's o- you don't have to be drinking alcohol in order to go out and have a good time, and live your best life, and enjoy a Friday night. And it's just really cool that people are using their platforms to be honest about their experiences. And one of the celebrities that I think... There's a lot of sober celebrities, and a lot of people have discussed their journeys to sobriety. But Mike "The Situation" from Jersey Shore- Yes. Did you interview him? I have interviewed him in the past. Yes. Hasn't been sobriety-focused, but I am so impressed with that man. I know. Because if you're an actress, an actor, a musician, alcohol is, in those worlds, and it's very difficult to get sober in those worlds. But it's not the entire world. Mike made a career being a reality star and in a time when all reality stars did was party. And this group of people on Jersey Shore, all they did was party, and I'm sure everyone got trashed, and I'm sure everyone used drugs. Yeah. And I'm sure it was just part of the culture. It was part of the show. And for this man to still be on this show, I think it just got, not canceled, but I don't think it got renewed, so regardless. But to still be relevant in the same space and to completely do a 180, I'm just so impressed with him. And then the way he gives back. he has recovery centers. He's always- I love that It's so cool. It's so cool, and it gives people like me a lot of hope and pride and strength to share my own stuff, Yeah, because I think in some ways, you could easily be embarrassed or you could easily be private about it. But then you are gonna help one to thousands of people just from being open and honest on an interview or on whatever. Because- I really think that we scroll, and, the search e- optimization engine sees it, and I saw you for a reason. I don't know if you talked about sobriety or maybe it was just, meant to be, because I've been connecting with people that are so in line. And I love this because we can share these stories and really help somebody. It could be one person or it could be hundreds of people. It doesn't really fucking matter. It's really just I see so many of my previous friends, family, I just see them struggling, and I really wanna be like- a reason why they could maybe take a break or- Yeah have gi- because I do think, a lot of people are struggling in their careers too, and I see them, not making the sacrifices on the weekends or after work to, study for, maybe, a graduate degree or maybe, working on that promotion or even just, pivoting into another industry that they've been so desperately trying to get to. But it's just, ingrained in their day-to-day or week-to-week to just have that martini or happy hour. And there's nothing wrong with it if you have moderation in you, but let's be real. Humans do not have moderation with drugs and alcohol. No. They're addictive for a reason. they're addictive substances. Like- Yes it's ve- I'm actually very impressed when people are able to moderate, 'cause I'm like, "You're able to moderate something that was not meant for moderation." Yes. It was meant for excessive use and for you to keep coming back and keep coming back. And even the people that shock you that have moderation, I've seen those same people that, once in a blue moon feel socially anxious at an event, and there's an open bar, and then they take too much because let's be honest, if you're uncomfortable, it's "Oh, it's free. it, and I have to be networking." and that was my thing. I don't think I'm as extroverted as people realize. I'm really extroverted the more champagne I have. And then- Ah I realize I've become to able to reset and be a little bit more my true self, which is an introvert. Yeah. Oh my God, that's so interesting. I also consider myself an introvert, and people are like, "That doesn't make sense." I'm like, "No, I love my me time." Yeah. I, I recharge by myself. I need my space. I need my quiet time, and I don't know if it's because I have a toddler, and so once it is quiet, I just savor it. But it's, there's a level of anxiety with social interactions, and it's interesting because I think in general, most people who over-drink, probably in every case, there's always something underlying there. Yeah. Are you, is it an escape? Are you unhappy with your life? Or d- are you miserable at your job? Are you in a terrible relationship? Are you unfulfilled in certain areas of your life? there's so many reasons. I think

Arrest Hard Reset And Real Support

31:30

I can check- And I think it's like- everything you just said in 2023. that was a, it, the, everything you just said, that was me in 2023. Oh, wow. So then what was- Not to flip this on you, I'm an interviewer by- I love it profession. But what- I love it did you have an aha moment or was it little things that built up that you were like, "I can't do this anymore"? I think getting arrested was like, oh my God, I have been like an angel perfect kid from like grade school to like all the way up until, I don't know, like 30. And then I'm like, I was so disappointed in myself, and I can't blame it on the person I was with. But I was like, "Okay, I'm in the wrong relationship." And then I'm also like, I just, I s- I was so like disappointed. And it took me like a good year and then, unfortunately, I was like, oh my God, I could've been so much more successful memorizing lines and doing all this stuff. But then I moved to Pittsburgh and start selling real estate and create a podcast, and I think it was the best thing to happen because I just needed to have a hard reset. But it, it was that getting arrested for being too drunk, and I'm like, this is what like a 21-year-old does. I'm sorry. This is not a 31-year-old. That's, that really sucks. I'm really sorry you had to experience that. it sounds like a really pivotal moment in your life, and the fact that you can look on it, look back on it and be like, you literally made lemonade out of lemons. Because a lot of people ro- their rock bottom is just an excuse to continue using because, oh, I already did this. Who cares? And so the fact that you were like, "I'm gonna do a 180, reevaluate all these aspects of my life," I think that's beyond impressive. And you're so good at what you do, and this is like where you're supposed to be. And I'm j- I'm so grateful that you have me on here. I don't know you. I don't even know that you found me on your For You page or whatever. I didn't know. I just got your DM and I was like, "That sounds great." You know what I'm saying? So- I think you just really are somebody that is like impressive like with the way that you handle yourself, and you're so humble. And I think also, too, like when I saw your stuff, I was like, oh my God, I gotta get her on immediately before she gets too busy. Oh, you're so sweet. You're so sweet. and truthfully, I have not honestly said that, but I feel this like comfortability even though we're not in person. I think sometimes like when you connect with somebody, I'm just like, you know what? I do wanna help somebody because I think that a lot of people have been in that position of like public drunkenness, and then like they don't learn from it, and that could easily be like, me. And then like I'm being honest with you because I think you even sharing that about coke, like some people are like, "I can't say that." Because that's real- that's gonna make me look bad as a mom or something, but it's that's your past. Oh. It- thank you for saying that. I actually have never really said that out loud. My closest friends know. I... My parents don't. now they will, but, Yeah it, it's- But it's so common, and- It is very common. It's very- And you can't shame- To the point... Yeah. I was just in Miami for, Grand Prix Formula One, party-hopping till 4:00 AM, trying to spy on celebrities. And it was... It's funny, 'cause I was... It was like, what year is this right now? I- it's... Why am I at 11, at 3:00 in the morning? what's going on? And then the whole day, the whole night, I was sober, and I was definitely looking out for celebs, but also people-watching, and the amount of drugs out in the open at some of these, more exclusive parties, where it's no one bats an eye, was a little mind-blowing, It is very common. I think way more people struggle with more than one substance. I'm still in the, on the caffeine journey, the like I was telling you about- Me too that I wish I could... listen, it's, there are w-... I always say- There are worse things there are worse things we can be addicted to. I know. And you know what? I did take it out for two months, and I felt amazing. water, water. Went to sleep. Wait. Did you ever... did you have any, withdrawals when you stopped drinking? I did, probably for, two days. I think it was just, a s- mild, headache. Okay. But then it's like after two days, if you're, like, going to the sauna or if you're doing, a HIIT workout, you're kinda like just pulling out, like- Yeah the toxins- I can't drink that or whatever. I don't... I'm not a doctor. I'm not, like- No a nutrition person. Me neither. But I do feel like it was so magical to go through that. Like... you know what it was, I was in Tulum working on a design job, surrounded by drinkers and partiers, but they were super supportive, always bought my, NA beers, and then I just was staying up, like you were, like, at 4:00 AM, and I'm just, chugging coffees, Nespresso- Yes sugar-free Red Bull. And you're, like, trying to keep up with this, wild Tulum crowd. And then I just said, "You know what? I gotta give up caffeine," because, I'm getting to a point where it's just, not even working. I was just trying to, drink it to stay up till 4:00 And so then- It's hard I gave it up, and it was such a good two months. I think the problem is, like, when you go to another time zone and then, you smell this amazing freshly, brewed beans, you're like, "Okay, I could have, one," and then it started with a decaf, and then, now I'm back on it, girl. Yeah. No, I'm the exact same way, trust me. I... No, I'm a coffee drinker, but if I'm traveling or at an airport or at a gas station, I love me a Monster, but it's gotta be- the white Monster in, like- The white the can with the pretty, stuff. So if I see it, I'll get one. You're so- And then s- and this, which is infrequent. And then I started, buying it at the grocery store, and I pu- I had to put a hard stop. I was like, "No, we cannot have Monster in this household." L- we gotta cut, we gotta put a line somewhere. So now I... it's like a treat. Yes. A little white Monster is a treat sometimes. I love a white Monster. So- But I can't buy a case of it. That would be crazy. No, I was buy- it was in my fridge- and my husband was like, "What are we doing here?" I was like, "You know what? You're actually right." this is too much. It seems like you have a good partner and a good husband that you've known for 10-plus years? Yeah. He saved my life in so many ways. I credit him and my therapist, who I've probably known the same amount of time. She is still in LA. Oh, wow. But got licensed in Florida, so we can still meet. Nice. She's phenomenal. And I actually met my husband on the TMZ- Yay show, and I was in one of my random bouts of sobriety when I met him. Oh, cool. And I remember, the rule of, you can't... don't date until you're about a year into your sobriety. Yes. And I remember that in my head, and I told my therapist, I was like, this... I met this guy, he's great. He's, kind and normal, and... I don't... I'm still working on myself. I don't know if I should kinda go on this journey with him." And she was like, basically "What are you talking about? You, the right person will be on that journey with you. You don't have to finish your journey alone and then find the person." And I was like, "Okay, I'll give it a try." And I'm grateful that I was not drinking at the time that I met him, 'cause I feel like w- we really got to know each other authentically. Yes. And then throughout our relationship, I've been ups and downs with my drinking, and he's been a very patient man. but he shouldn't have to be, and I don't think it's anyone's job, whether you're my spouse or my parent or my child or my sister or my best friend, to pick up the pieces of something that I should be- Trying to fix but it's not that easy for everyone, and I recognize that. it's very hard. very hard. But I think, I hope that people can all get to the point in their lives, people who are struggling, where they're just, tired. Honestly, thank God we get older 'cause, I can't keep up with, what I was doing in 2016. thank God the hangovers suck. Thank God I'm exhausted- Oh, same and my back hurts and I can't pi- like, all of that helps keep that lifestyle, not an option for me. Exactly, And I think- a lot of people need to hear that that's why celebrities struggle a lot because we're talking about people with endless funds, endless resources, surrounded by yes people, surrounded by parties and events. Yeah. I can't confidently say that if you put me in that environment that I wouldn't fall as well. You know what I'm saying? If I- Yeah it's just easier to be a hot mess express when you have- the world as your oyster. Yeah. So I think, yeah. I think, yeah, sorry, going back to my husband, he is a lifesaver and an angel on Earth, seriously. Do you think it being in that, enabled you to kinda go back into the drinking, and then, allow yourself to kinda get messy because he was there to pick up the pieces? Maybe, but it wasn't just him. I think throughout my life I have had a lot of friends- who had my back to the point where they shouldn't have had to have the back of an adult making these decisions. And so I have subconsciously always, I think, been like, "Oh, I- somebody's got me." Yeah. Whether it's my husband or my friend or my sister- Yes all of the above have had my back. I wouldn't say anyone has enabled me, and if they did it was, like, guys that I dated who, you know the drill. You're like- Yes you guys just party together and it's convenient, and, like- those instances were definitely enabling, and then the friends that came with those environments were enabling. But my core people are still my people and have seen every version of me and have loved every version of me, and I don't know why, quite frankly. But it's, I am, I truly feel like the luckiest person in the world. truly. That's really sweet, and I think I know why. I'm sure that you have a big heart, and you're not just selfish, "Take care of me." you give back to those people that take care of you. I try in other ways. That's a good point. Maybe I'm not holding their hair back while they puke, but- I would if they needed me to. Yeah. Yeah, and like even talking about the LA thing, and I know that you gotta run too, when I was, like, in these environments dating people that kinda, had money, it was easy to just get caught up in that I'm just like, party and like just don't have to really, perform at work because, they got my back. And I think then when I really just was completely independent, I had to get sober because I didn't have that, extra cushion of- Yeah being like, "Oh, they can pay the bills." It was like all on me, and I just, and I think in some ways, it can be hard to get out of the cycle when you're in those relationships because I think Braunwyn Burke from Real Housewives of Orange County, I don't think she's in that... It's been a while. Yeah. She talks about how her husband, kinda took care of her for and hid her, issues, and then something, maybe broke and, but, we definitely have to open up about those things to, help others. Yeah,

How Do You Want Tomorrow

43:30

100%. Yeah. I couldn't agree more. If you had something on, just, a mantra of life to kinda finish it off, is there, one piece of advice that you can give somebody out there that's, trying to get sober? that's a really good question. I don't think I've ever consciously thought about the answer to that. but a mantra that does help me, even if I- I'm having a day where, not that I want a drink, but I'm like, "It would be nice to have something"- Yes I always go back to, how do you wanna feel tomorrow? It's always been in the back of my head, even in the heavy drinking days. I just wouldn't always listen to it. But it helps, and then when you wake up the next day, you think about it. You're like, "I fucking feel great." Yeah. I'm so glad I made that choice. And so if somebody is watching this or, following either of our journeys and they're struggling, I think there is genuine contentment and joy in sobriety. The highs are not gonna be as crazy high as when you're, like, on drink number seven and bump number two- at brunch with your girls. Yeah. It's gonna be a real high, and the lows are not as low, and if they are, you're able to navigate them because you're not fucking with your brain chemistry. So- Yes Yeah, I would say just think about how you wanna feel tomorrow That's a great way to describe it. I couldn't agree more with you. I forget, the lows are really not bad It's and it's manageable Yeah you can logically be like, "Okay, something happened and it absolutely sucks," or, "Something rocked my world. How are we gonna figure this out? How are we gonna navigate this and not just numb it out?" 'Cause that really is just a Band-Aid, 'cause that problem is gonna be there tomorrow. And not only that, you're gonna have a gnarly hangover, too. Oh, yeah. For sure. And I think, Bernie, I am so excited to read your audiobook that's coming out- in 2027 because I know- you got a lot of good stories. I feel like it could really be helpful, and thank you so much for being transparent and vulnerable with your journey. I know that it's taken you a long time to get to this point- Yeah or maybe it hasn't. It seems like it- Oh, it has yeah, especially being a mom. I- yeah. That really, that's changed my identity, being a mom. Yeah And I actually struggled with... That was a big part of postpartum depression, was like, "Who am I now?" And I think I'm so comfortable and confident in who I am now, and I think it just, not drinking serves this version of me, and I... Why, like, why would I wanna mess that up, Yeah. And I look forward to seeing your interviews. Definitely somebody that I follow. You gotta check out Bernie at...? Oh, bernieziilio is my, just my, Instagram- Your handle, right? Yeah Yes. Okay. And then can you spell that out for us, Yes, B-E-R-N-I-E, and then my last name Zilio, Z-I-L-I-O. thank you so much, Bernie. I look forward to seeing you in Miami- Oh my God, yes or Orlando. One of the two. I, yeah, I live in Orlando, but I'm in Miami all the time, so if you're- Yes ever in town, please let me know. Oh my God, it's an excuse to come to Orlando. I definitely had some good times there, too. Totally. Yeah Just avoid the summer because it is brutal. Yeah. I can- I went there in August once, and I was like, "What the fuck?" Yeah. Oh, wait, that's why the flights were, like, $95. Yeah. They're like, "Come here to our infernal..." Yeah. And I'm sure you're not gonna be coming to Pittsburgh anytime soon, but, you never know. I don't have reasons to, but if I ever am in that part of town, in that part of the country, I will absolutely d- definitely- I'm gonna figure out a way to get you in the studio- Hey- in person I would love that. Yeah No, I would, really would love that. And honestly- Thank you for this opportunity. It means the world to me. I'm glad this worked out. I'm, things happen for a reason, the universe, mysterious ways. Yeah. And I'm so grateful that this ended up working out, so thank you. I appreciate it a lot. Yes. And not only are you beautiful on camera, you have so much wisdom to give. And I know that sounds a little, politically incorrect to say beautiful and wisdom. No. Not that you can't have both, but I just think, you seem like you have that inside and out, and I'm blessed to be able to call you a friend in sobriety Scorpio journey. Yes. Oh my God, I couldn't agree more. Thank you so much. You're welcome. I feel the same way. I feel like we bonded, connected, like I've known you for years. I know. I know. And I do want you to, if you ever need anything, you know who to call or text or whatever. I'm here for you. Same. I appreciate that. And I'm sure it goes both ways. 100%.